It's Easy to Judge Others, but We All Lose When We Do

Judging others is an all-too common habit (even for nice people!) that I want to help you to break. Changing this behavior doesn’t just help your relationship with others, it also helps your relationship with yourself.

I know all about judging others because I used to do it a lot. It was easy to be on the sidelines of others’ lives and criticize their choices. Why did I do it?

I think that judging others gave me this false sense of superiority – sort of like, “I wouldn’t make that mistake” or “I am better than that.”  It also insulated me from feeling like bad things could happen to me (because I thought I was making better choices). Finally, when I joined others in judging someone else, our shared judgments gave me this sense of being close to my co-judger (though this wasn't a real closeness).

But the thing about judgment of others is that it doesn’t really make us feel good in the long run. It’s like a quick dopamine fix that doesn’t last. In fact, a lot of times, we just end up feeling kind of “gross” for taking part in judgments (I know I did!).

I want to make a case for you to ease up on criticisms of others. And my reasoning is probably not what you are expecting. So, here’s my first truth:

TRUTH #1: If we have a tendency to be hard on ourselves, we probably have a tendency to be hard on others. We each have an internal working model, which is the relational system inside of us that structures how we relate to ourselves and others. If our internal working model is one based on high-standards, criticism and perfectionism with ourselves, we likely relate to others like this as well.

Out of this flows the next truth:

TRUTH #2: Being easier on others helps us, ultimately, be easier on ourselves. If we practice giving others the benefit of the doubt, seeing their “mistakes” as part of the messy experience of being human, this helps us to do the same for ourselves.

To do this, it helps to keep this truth in mind:

TRUTH #3: Mistakes and struggles are necessary for growth. Our greatest learning experiences are often the result of our “mistakes” or “bad” decisions. So, when others are struggling because of their choices, we cannot presume to know what good can come out of these experiences.

Here’s the bottom line: Easing up on others helps us to ease up on ourselves, and there are plenty of good reasons to do both.  

Next post, I talk about how to manage judgment of friends and help friends who are struggling.