Tips for Helping Friends Who Struggle

It’s hard when close friends make choices that we think are not good for them.  It’s not always easy or clear how to be a good friend to them through these decisions. How can you be supportive in these cases and still have integrity with yourself?

So, the first thing to keep in mind is that your friends’ poor choices – no matter how messy they look – might be important growth opportunities. Sometimes we must experience the difficulties of our decisions in order to grow. In fact, a lot of the time. Growth is not theoretically driven but rather based on experience.

When I was a kid, my parents told me to never touch a hot iron. And yet, something in me compelled me to touch a hot iron anyway. I think I needed to understand what all the warnings were about. Of course, I got burned and then forever learned the meaning of a hot iron.

Try to look at your friends’ choices through the lens of growth. Maybe they need to learn something. Maybe they are getting exactly what they need in order to grow!

Here are practical ways to move away from judgment to be a more supportive friend:

• Believe in your friends’ capacity to grow. Rather than focusing on your fears about what’s happening with them, focus on your belief in them, remembering that their struggles might be necessary for their growth. Try: “You will figure it out, just keep being loyal to yourself” as opposed to “This could get really bad for you” or “That was a bad decision.”

• Avoid giving unasked-for advice. In fact, try to avoid advice-giving at all and instead point them towards their own knowing. “What do you want?” “What do you feel is best for you?”

• Finally, the most powerful weapon of all, share your feelings on their behalf: “I feel so sad when I hear how they are treating you.” “I care about you and want you to get your needs met.”  When I think about being your friend and hearing this, it is so much easier to hear, as opposed to, “They are a jerk, and you should break up with them.”

  
  

I love that you are reading this. It tells me that being a good friend matters to you. I know from experience that being a friend to someone whose life choices lead to challenges can be tricky. As always, take care of yourself. Set boundaries as needed to keep yourself emotionally protected and to make sure YOUR needs are being met. And if they are not, because some friends really are just a long-term drain, take some space for yourself – because being a good friend should not be sacrificial.