Beware the Covert Narcissist: Six Signs That You Are Dealing with One

In a recent video, I discuss relationships between empaths and narcissists, and how empaths are vulnerable to getting entangled in relationships with narcissists. But I want to focus on a lesser-known type of narcissist, the covert narcissist. Their brand of narcissism can creep up on you, and empaths, or anyone with a soft heart, are especially susceptible to this sneaky kind of narcissism.

Instead of the bravado and extroversion of overt narcissists, covert narcissists are often shy, insecure, and fragile. They regularly play the victim because they crave the attention and sympathy that victimhood engenders in others. They are needy, and actively exude the vibe of “help me,” because they love to be rescued.

So, what can start out as a relationship with someone needing your care or sympathy can end up as a one-way street of giving and long-term exhaustion, with most aspects of the relationship centering around the covert narcissist’s needs and feelings. It can take a while to spot this pattern (even for me!).

The bottom line is that behind all the fragility of a covert narcissist is a never-ending desire for attention, at the expense of you and everyone else. So, beware the covert narcissist! Below are six signs to help you spot them; and remember, when you do spot them, don’t let their guilt-inducing emotional manipulations keep you from prioritizing your needs and boundaries. Healthy relationships are a balance of give and take, and YOU deserve to be in healthy relationships.

1.  They have a sneaky kind of self-absorption. They might talk to you for a while about you, seeming to care, but eventually most conversations lead back to them.

2.  They try to get their needs met through guilt or other kinds of emotional manipulation – tears, feigned illness or even threats of self-harm.

3.  They regularly play the victim. This allows them to get the attention that they desire and invites other people to rescue them. Some even make up stories to increase others’ sympathy for them.

4.  They are deeply insecure and therefore very sensitive to anything that even hints of criticism. This makes healthy relationships with them nearly impossible.

5.  They lack empathy, especially when they are experiencing pain or hurt. So, while they might appear to care for you, if your feelings conflict with their needs or pain, they have no empathy for your feelings.

6   They struggle to respect your boundaries because their needs take priority over everything else. This can look like demanding your time and attention or constantly asking for favors.