Breaking Free from People Pleasing: Origins, Costs and Practical Tips for a Healthier You

Do you avoid conflict? Do you dread upsetting others? Do you put others’ needs ahead of your own to keep the peace?

These are people-pleasing habits, and they represent a common interpersonal pattern that I see in many of my clients. While it would be easy to write off people pleasers as weak or lacking courage, these labels unfairly misrepresent and malign people pleasers.

The truth is that most people-pleasing patterns start in childhood as an adaptive response to stress and family dynamics. For example, if your mother gets angry easily, you, her child, might learn how to keep her happy to avoid her scary outbursts. Children are completely dependent on their parents for safety and security; so, when a parent gets scary angry (or scary overwhelmed), children learn to do anything to keep their parents stable and, therefore, to keep themselves and their environments safe.

Another scenario I’ve seen is clients whose siblings fought a lot with their parents, causing significant stress in the family system. These clients learned to do the opposite: to be so “good” that their parents never felt strained by them. These kinds of clients rarely rebel as teenagers and studiously follow the rules to try to bring stability to their environments.

In both cases, these children learned to put their own needs and feelings to the side and focus on keeping others happy. They did this not because they are weak or lack courage but because they needed to find ways, within their control, to feel safe.

Fast forward to adulthood, and you have chronic pattern of ignoring the self (me have needs? what needs?) and fear of conflict, developed as an adaptive response to family dysfunction. But here’s the thing: people pleasing patterns hurt people pleasers and their relationships. As a former people pleaser, I know these costs all too well.

Costs of people pleasing patterns:

• If you are focused on others’ needs, you ignore yourself. Most people-pleasers don’t even register the costs for themselves, or if they do, they do not know how to prioritize themselves. If I put my needs first and my friend is unhappy with me, there will be conflict and that feels scary. So, what happens is that you get ignored by you.

• As you ignore your own needs, anger and resentment builds up inside of you – it is impossible to not have this happen. Remember that resentment is usually a sign that your needs are not getting met. The chronic stress of this can lead to all kinds of mental health issues, including anxiety and depression.

• When you ignore yourself, you cannot show up authentically in relationships with others, which results in compromised relationships with others. People don’t get to truly know you and you do not get to have your needs met in relationships.

If you are someone who finds yourself in people-pleasing patterns, don’t despair. There is a path out. Here are my top five life hacks for people pleasers:

1. Develop a relationship with yourself. Be curious about what you truly feel and need, even if you don’t have the ability yet to honor those needs. You might even consider working with a therapist to help you in this process.

2. Learn to pause because you agree to things. A pause can give you time to connect to yourself and what YOU need, away from the pull of others.

3. Closely examine your relationships. Put your energy into people who want you to share your authentic self, who want to make room for you and your needs. Be willing to let go of relationships where this is not possible.

4. Understand that people-pleasing habits developed over time, very likely in your childhood, so it will be a process to create a new pattern. Be patient with yourself.

5. Finally, it’s okay that it feels scary to put yourself first and to risk upsetting others. But keep reminding yourself of the truth: it is safe now to prioritize you.

As always, go easy on yourself in this process. It’s a big deal to become aware of these patterns and to want to change them. So, take it one step at a time.