The Case for Healthy Anger: Why We Need This Important Emotion

Some people think anger is unhealthy and avoid it. Others only get angry, often explosively. Few have a healthy relationship with anger, using it to set boundaries, meet needs, and stay safe.

What is YOUR relationship to anger? Did you know that anger can be healthy and is important for adult-life functioning?

Healthy anger alerts us to boundary violations and unmet needs, energizing us to act when we are taken advantage of or our space is violated. Think of the momma bear protecting her cubs: she displays anger to keep them safe. Healthy anger signals us that something is wrong. To live balanced emotional lives, we need to listen to these signals.

If you are someone who tends to avoid anger, you might give more than you receive in life. You also might find yourself in relationships where your “easy-going attitude” is taken advantage of by others. At worst, you might be vulnerable to abusive relationships. Because when we ignore anger, we ignore important messages about our needs, boundaries and safety. If this describes you:

• Try to stay with your anger when it arises. Being angry doesn't mean experiencing conflict or aggression. Stretch your anger capacity and try to listen to what your anger is telling you.

• If you can't get angry at all, consider why. Do internal narratives prohibit access to anger? Consider working with a therapist to gain access to healthy anger.

If you are someone who over-relies on anger, you might be angry when actually sad or afraid. This pattern creates an emotional imbalance inside of you because so many important emotions go unprocessed. You also might find yourself in a pattern of reactive and unnecessary anger that pushes people away from you. If this describes you:

• Learn to pause before acting. Let reactivity settle, then explore why you were angry and what it means.

• If you can't control your anger and you regularly lose control of your words and actions, consider working with a therapist to shift this pattern.

The bottom line: instead of ignoring or exploding when angry, explore your anger. Why are you angry? Is it defensive anger masking sadness or fear? Or true anger, alerting you to take action related to needs, boundaries, or safety? If it's true anger, what do you need to know and how can you take care of yourself?

Remember, there is nothing inherently wrong or destructive about anger. Anger is simply a message from inside of you about something you are experiencing. Rather than acting out when you feel angry or ignoring your anger, learn to listen to these important messages.