It is a long-practiced habit: keeping up with the Joneses, or, in more contemporary terms, comparing yourself to others. This insidious and all-too-prevalent thinking pattern harms more than just our pride: it can impair our ability to move forward in our lives, especially for young adults whose still-forming identities can wither under the comparison lens.
In fact, “comparison thinking” is one of the most damaging patterns that I see in my patients. Even I fall victim to it on occasion, and I am a mental health therapist who has been practicing for more than 20 years. I maintain excellent self-care and am fairly resilient, and yet I too know the gripping shame invoked when I unfairly compare my life to others’.
If this thought pattern happens to a 50-something-year-old therapist, you can imagine how often it happens to young adults, who are still growing into their adult selves and whose lives are immersed in a social-media driven culture organized around a compare-and-contrast ethos. I specialize in treating young adults, mostly twentysomethings, so I see in my office every week how widespread and damaging this pattern can be. If you have been following the struggles of Gen Zs, then you know that they are dealing with a mental health epidemic. If you are one of them or the parent of one of them, then you may know that this comparison-to-others tendency, and its resulting shame, is harming an already taxed and anxious generation struggling to navigate adulthood.
When Sara came to see me a few years ago, she had taken a break from college because of depression and anxiety. As she got better through a combination of counseling, medication and self-reflection, she still struggled with the shame of feeling “behind” her peers. She compared her life path to her friends who were slated to graduate “on time.” Her shame was so great that, she relapsed into depression, and it was unclear when she would be able to re-enroll in school.
Through our work, Sara was able to bring understanding to her past struggles. She recognized that she had grown up so focused on pleasing her parents, that when she came to college and did not have the structure of their presence, she lost her way. She had to learn to want things for herself, to go to class because she wanted to learn and she wanted a degree. With these realizations, Sara was able to offer herself much needed compassion, recognizing why she had struggled and forgiving herself for how these struggles had disrupted her life.
Through self-compassion and self-forgiveness, Sara’s shame lifted, and she was able return to school and eventually graduate. Now, when she compares her life path to others, she feels pride in the work she put into treating her mental health. She recognizes that she did what she needed to do to take care of herself and step more fully into adulthood.
Sara’s story highlights the most dangerous pitfall of comparison thinking: paralyzing shame. The intrapersonal darkness rendered through this thought pattern causes untold harm to the self, igniting false narratives and even self-loathing. With help, Sara was able take a more accurate view of herself and release shame.
Sadly, comparison-thinking shame continues to hold back far too many young adults, and, for that matter, older adults. If you or someone you know is struggling with these issues, try these tools to help through this all-too-common battle. In addition, consider getting help from a qualified mental health practitioner.
Become aware of when you have fallen into the comparison trap. Notice the distinct, felt qualities of when you are feeling comparison shame. How do you feel in your body? Are there familiar negative thoughts? Recognizing when you are triggered is the first step to being able to help yourself.
Be a good steward of your mental health. Discover what activates “comparison thinking” and the accompanying shame in you and minimize your exposure. For many, social media scrolling can be a trigger; discover your specific triggers.
Learn that comparison thinking is based on false assumptions. Recognize that what others show you on the outside is only part of the story. Most anyone can curate a happy-looking life. Social media feeds often have nothing to do with reality. Break the habit of comparing yourself to phantom people who do not exist.
Practice self-compassion. When you recognize why you have struggled (there is always a reason), you can offer yourself understanding and compassion, and move out of self-blame and shame. Offer yourself the same kindness that you would a loved one. Self-compassion is a balm for the pain of shame.
Honor your unique pace and path. Understand that no one’s path and pace will look like yours (nor yours like theirs!). We each express ourselves in unique ways, and we can only do that when we follow the organic flow of our own lives.
Follow me, Wendy Summer, the author of this post on Instagram and Pinterest: Therapistfor20somethings